MENTALLY RETARDED

"Hi, I am mentally retarded.My name is Nitin." That is how he introduced himself to me when I met him first and probably for the last time during my journey way back home by train a few days back.Needless to say,I was taken aback.
He was just 13 yrs of age(as per his mother) but to me he appeared much older(was his mother faking his age?). Inspite of being a young,inexperienced doctor,I atleast knew what it meant to be mentally retarded.A child of 13(most probably),having the insight of his mental illness is something I was encountering for the first time.As I took my seat just next to him, I offered to shake hands with this kid and said,"Hello,I am alok,mentally retarded too."He smiled.I returned it,and we were friends.
He indeed had the signs of the said illness ."Who told you that you are mentally ill?''I asked."my friends'',he replied."Once I even heard my mom saying this over the phone to someone too",he added."So,do you believe them?"I ventured.He looked towards his mother who was following this conversation of ours and from the look of his eyes he seemed to be asking his mother,"Tell me mom,what shall I say lest you get hurt?" After a much careful thought(careful or delayed??) he said,"Yes, I believe them".What reaction this answer brought to his mother,I could not see,for she quickly turned her head towards the window,but after sometime I noticed that she was wiping something off her cheeks and I knew for certain that it was not dirt.A tea vendor came in and I bought a cup of tea for both of us. The hot tea bought us closer and I would not have bothered to give the vendor some extra money for the extra warmth the tea helped add to our friendship.
"By the way, you said that you are mentally retarded too.Who told you that?" Nitin asked me."I figured it out myself.I am 24 years old.Quite old to figure out what I am",I replied."Deep within I feel that I am so.Thats all.One is what one really feels about oneself deep within.Its so simple Nitin,you are what you think you are.You need not listen to what others say or think about you.We are all smart enough to figure out about ourselves.Aren't we?" he kept mum for a long time after hearing this.I later thought that it was too much for a kid,irrespective of the mental or chronological age to understand all this and if he really did,could he still be called mentally retarded? In the meantime,I talked to his mother and got to know more about him.He had been a slow learner with delayed milestones and the doctors had declared him lagging behind significantly in comparision to his peer group.She told me about the support she was giving the kid in terms of love and affection and she was sorry for being overheard by the kid on the phone.(I felt that, she should have been sorry for having spoken like that about her son,but she was not).

The train was speeding by. Nitin dozed off to sleep.The sunlight fell through the window grills drawing everchanging pale shadows of the siderails' electric poles and trees, falling over Nitin's head.I could see his face changing its colour due to the falling shadows from dark to bright to dark again and so on...if only it could be possible so easily to brighten up this kid's head's inner content and devoid it of the dark shadows of mental retardation...if only...I thought.

I slept through the rest of my short journey to be woken up by the coach attendant.My station was nearing.Nitin had already woken up.I started gathering my belongings."Are you going?"Nitin asked."Yes",my station is near.Will you miss me after I am gone" I asked.He did not say anything.He turned towards his mother and whispered something.His mom laughed.I thought,he asked her what it meant to miss someone.
The train began to enter my station.I shook hands with him and kisssed him goodbye.
He then asked,"Are you really mentally retarded,alok?'' I smiled,looked down,paused for a moment and answered,"No, I am not.I lied to you".I did not wait to be asked 'why' by the kid, for it would not have been that easy for me to answer that question.Instead, I quickly asked him,"Tell me Nitin,are you mentally retarded?"
Nitin smiled,paused for a moment and answered,"No,I am not.I lied to you the way I have always lied to myself.Its the world around me which feels that way,and has forced me to think like that,but deep within,I dont feel so.I guess I am not what they think about me,I am what I think about myself.Just because others are going too fast that does not mean that I am going slow.Was it not this that you were trying to explain to me an hour back?"
Before I could figure out what to say,the train had begun to pull out of my station.I jumped out of the door.Clinging to the window grills of the train I began to run at the platform and said aloud,"Yes, my dear,that was exactly what I meant."
"Good bye,nitin".I waved my hands.
I guess he was trying to say something to me...but the train was too fast and he just a bit slow....before his thoughts could transform into words...the train had already left.
I stood there looking at the train for sometime and then began to walk through the crowd at the platform. Someone from behind shouted at me,"Dont be so slow,young man;walk fast." Gently making way for him,I smiled,paused for a moment and said,"Just because you are going too fast,that does not mean that I am going slow." That person did not seem to understand what I meant and I dont know if all those who are reading this will understand what I am talking about...but I know for sure that there are atleast two people on earth who understand this...Nitin and me.. mentally retarded.

about me...about you

i am not what i seem to you....for seeming is but a garment i wear,which protects you from my ignorance and me from your questionings...what and who i am is an enigma to me..just the way what and who you are is to you.the i in me lies in some corner of some part of me and therein it shall lie forever....beyond anyone's reach...unpercievable...unapproachable.

knowing all this...yet i intend to try and work towards knowing about life...for may be..a little more understanding of life will give me a better perspective to look upon it and live it...and even if i fail in my attempt...i will atleast have the joy and fulfillment during this endeavour...for true happiness lies not in the destination but in the journey.....